Sleep.

The worst relationship of my life deals not with another human being, but with Sleep. [Note: I am writing this post at 4:24am...after having class from 4:30-7:30 and shift from 8-midnight] I'm telling you, Sleep and I, we have a love-hate relationship. But, before I get into my little discussion about my battles with Sleep, let me tell you a little something about myself that may help clarify some of the issues I am having...

I have a life obsession with maximizing time. I swear, my ears can hear my life clock ticking down, and consequently, I often find myself trying to efficiently handle anything I'm facing. Whether that be driving from point A to point B or getting a stupid little school project done, I like to do things right, but as fast as possible. Furthering this point, I feel that sleep is the ultimate waste of time. We're all familiar with the sayings, "Sleep is the cousin of Death" and "I can sleep when I'm dead," and while it may be true that people who get inadequate amounts of sleep have increased likelihoods of developing more health problems and typically die younger, it is something I mentally cannot get over (fyi - people that oversleep run the same risk). I know that while I'm sleeping, someone out there is not, and thus, they have an edge over me - they have 24 hours to get accomplished what I have only 16 hours to do. Even if 40% of what they do is b.s., in theory they are living a fuller life by being active when I am asleep. Thus, I rarely get even 5 hours of sleep a night. Why sleep when I can be doing something productive, right? Now, back to my personal battle...

I will go for months living off of 2 hours of sleep a night/every-other-night and be just fine. Actually, often times I try to go to sleep at a reasonable hour, and find myself laying in bed staring at the ceiling, mad at myself for having wasted two hours lying on my back accomplishing nothing! And yet, as hard and as often as I avoid
sleep, I often lapse into periods where I basically sleep for 7 days straight - and boy is that sleep gooooood! So yes, I admit that I love the sensation and pleasure of curling up in my warm, fluffy bed and drifting off into slumber land, and yet, I so actively avoid it.

Though, to be perfectly honest I really am not that productive during the wee hours of the morning. During my undergraduate days, it was a different story - I would seriously focus on all the work I neglected during the daytime hours. Thanks to those four years, I have been trained to stay up all night, except now I do my work during the day, leaving me to catch up on t.v. shows and movies online, as well as get up-to-date with my favorite blogs by night. (insert random epiphany: Perhaps this explains my caffeine addictions...AH-HA!)

You know what my battle with sleep reminds me of? South of the Border (and I'm NOT talking about the restaurant). For anyone's who ever driven down to Myrtle Beach, SC, you are all familiar with the infamous South of the Border. This dinky, sketchy little place resembles some bad, stereotypical depiction of a sort of Little Mexico (I mean, their self-proclaimed mascot is Pedro...'nough said). Anyways, this is a very boring drive, so one looks for any type of entertainment along the way. And what did this sketchy place have the nerve to do? Tease bored drivers with alluring signs for 175 miles, posting a new sign promising great enjoyment every 1-2 miles. The end result? A: Hours driving along bored, anticipating getting to this great wonderland, and just when you think you will never get there or that this fabled place doesn't exist, you encounter vast disappointment and resentment when you finally do arrive. Unless we're talking about the 7 days straight of sleeping episodes I encounter, the sleep I do manage to get on a typical night is unsatisfying (to say the least). Usually, I sit and wait for Sleep to come, and when it finally does come it feels that no sooner had I closed my eyes, than something outside of me awakens me. I do not awake refreshed and energized, but rather groggy and irritated that I even wasted any time attempting to grab hold of Sleep. And how does that leave me feeling? Pissed at Sleep - that's how. Sleep taunts and tempts me for weeks, if not months, and then when I finally grab hold of it Sleep becomes my master for 7 days straight. Sleep, I HATE YOU!!! But, I love you too :(

What's a girl to do? I was supposed to go to a sleep center last year so they could monitor my brain activity while I sleep...perhaps it's time for me to take my doctor up on that order - especially while I have health insurance...

A Losing Battle?

One step forward, two steps back.

We are all too familiar with the saying. As I retrace my footsteps, observing this all-too-familiar pattern, it is easy to see how one can get down on oneself. How many times have I established a goal for myself, only to find myself losing steam halfway through and falling back into old habits? To see the fruits of my hard labor and then, for no apparent reason (or maybe because I have grown too comfortable in my success), regressing into old ways that have proven time and again unfruitful, if not downright detrimental to achieving my goals...disturbing.

What is the difference between a simple obstacle who's purpose is to make us stronger and a pure failure? To me, the line separating the two is not necessarily easily defined. We overcome obstacles and become (hopefully) better persons for having used our own resources to surmount the roadblock - that is the simple one. Now for the complicated one - when does an obstacle that derails us turn into a failure? And when does repeated failures or setbacks become a losing battle? Is it when we no longer learn from our setbacks that they then transform into failures? Or is it when we no longer can summon the energy, courage, or willpower to lift ourselves back up? Perhaps these temporary derailments are meant to knock us out of the snarls of complacency - to rekindle the fire beneath us. Or maybe they are there to remind us that we need to continuously rely on a higher power (i.e. God), who so often gets ignored and demoted to the back burner once people start getting what they want out of life...

While I believe that the glory in the beautiful struggle that is life is to simply rise one more time than you are knocked down, learning something new about yourself each time and with each successful retry making us a stronger and better person for it, what happens when you reach the place where you no longer see the point in getting up anymore? I believe the term we learned in psychology is learned helplessness. [Not that I am there yet, but I am one who likes to analyze all possible scenarios.] For those of you unfamiliar with the historical experiment of Seligman, allow me to give you a brief summary. Basically what he did was split dogs into three groups: Group 1 was the control that was simply harnessed, Group 2 dogs and Group 3 dogs were harnessed to one another and received electrical shocks. Group 2 dogs had access to a lever that could stop the shock, while Group 3 dogs could not access the levers and had to simply wait for the shocks to end. The dogs were unharnessed and placed in a box from which they could escape. When shocks were administered to the dogs, Groups 1 and 2 jumped out of the box while most of Group 3 simply sat there. That, in sum, is learned helplessness - even though Group 3 could escape, they had learned from their previous experience that it was futile to fight their way out. (yes, this is a sad experiment)

The battle I often find myself facing is between learning when to push myself to get back up and when to learn to lay down. Now, let me pause for a second and say that I am a fighter. It goes against every fiber in my being to just sit back and take anything. HOWEVER, and this is a BIG however, certain battles really just are not worth fighting. I am not sure that I would necessarily classify these as learned helplessness...afterall, how many times did Jesus "sit back and take it" (i.e. turn the other cheek) when He certainly had the ability do whatever He so chose. I suppose the battle can be redefined as learning when to conjure enough strength to fight and when to summon enough willpower to restrain oneself... Hmmmm, now there is an interesting thought.

Still, there remains a difference between staying down out of willpower and staying down out of weakness. Learning and fully embracing the dichotomy inherent in the word strength is probably very key to living a fulfilled life. (At least in Western culture, does it not seem that strength is presented ubiquitously with exerting some force over another? Although here, I suppose you can modify that to exerting force over oneself - to go against human nature) Determining which situation necessitates which use of strength is the challenge we all face. For it would be easy for one to fall into the habit of blaming one's own lack of action and resolve to having the willpower to not fight back (even though they should have)...but then that is what happens when people start assuming the role of the victim, now isn't it?

And how does all this relate to me? To be rather honest, I suppose my one step forward, X-amount of steps back probably falls under the category of simply lacking the desire to do the right thing and get back up immediately. In my situation, I would emphasize immediately as I find the sooner that I address my shortcomings the easier it is for me to move back on the right track. I liken it to being knocked off of a horse into a very deep pit of mud. The sooner I regain my senses from the fall, swim to the edge, pull myself up, and chase after my horse, the sooner I can get back on and riding again. Now, if I get thrown off, take my time to evaluate what events just transpired, sit and decide whether it is worth pulling myself out, the further from the edge of the pit I drift and the deeper into the mud I sink. Once there, it takes a lot more time and energy to resurface, swim to the edge, pull myself out, and then run after a horse that I have no idea of it's location. (Perhaps this is a stretch of an analogy, but it works for me!)

So I end with this: Study your footprints well and honestly, remembering that no two sets are alike, and know that you are the key determinant in having your battle be a W or an L.

By three methods we may learn wisdom: first, by reflection, which is noblest; second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest. Confucius

Is it 2010 yet?!?

Soooo...we're only 26 days into 2009, and I'm already wishing it was 2010. I am telling you, if the way you begin the year dictates the path for the rest of your year, I am not going to make it. In 26 days I have had the stomach flu, a cavity filled, a tooth cracked, a wisdom tooth pulled, met a boy (yes, a boy, not a man...haha) with enough mental and emotional problems to keep CAPS booked for the rest of the decade, and easily enough drama to fill the next 6 months. To top things off, none of these were prompted by me (except maybe the tooth...poor judgment there, I'll admit).

What do I do? Do I cut out the people making my life hell? Hmmm...I've already done that in some cases, but in others, these people are really good friends with decent to good intentions, but they just seem to manage to screw things up for me. The old me would have been quick to cut a person off, but I do love these people and I don't feel my life would quite be the same without them. However, if people repeatedly screw me over, whether unintentionally or in the process of fulfilling their needs, am I supposed to just sit there and grin and bear it? Everything inside me screams NO!

Any thoughts?

Philly Thangs...

As I'm settling more in Philly life, there are some things I notice that are just so stereotypically Philly. Granted, some of these are endogenous to the Northeast, but most are overly and abundantly loved in this city. So, without further adieu, here's my list of the top 10 things the city of Philly seems to love:

10) Cheese Whiz - This fake cheese that comes out of a can that they put on anything. Repulsive! I've been fooled a few times around this city...just watch out if you order something with cheese...it might come back with a plastic bright yellow coating that came fresh out a can...
9) The Freeway Beard - how one city unanimously decided to adopt such a horrible grooming trend is beyond me...
8) WaWa - brings me back to my childhood (ps - if you're in an area where there's a Wawa, please go ahead add order your the Turkey Wobbler, grad a pillow, grub, and pass out! Yes, it is that good!) And their coffee is absolutely amazing...and CHEAP!
7) Arizona Iced Tea (specifically Green Tea) - The South has their heart attack in a glass known as Sweet Tea, and the North...well we have the diverse brand of Arizona Iced Tea. I had completely forgotten about my love for AIT until my first trip to Wawa...now, I drink at least a bottle a day. I swear, they must sprinkle a little crack in it because everyone I know that likes it drink it everyday!!!
6) Sandwiches - Unique sandwiches are prided up here. I mean, this is the home of the Cheesesteak...
5) Bicycles - it's almost as bad as in Europe...actually, it may be worse because drivers can't drive and bikers are bold and can't ride. Witnessed an accident just the other week on Spruce St...blood everywhere!!
4) Being Muslim - Nothing against the religion of Islam, I just really think its more of a fashion trend here be Muslim...I dunno...it is the thing to do here. Oh, and they can be rude and mean as anything...I mean, where's the love? I mean, I've read some of the Koran...I do believe The Prophet would be highly disappointed in these "followers"...
3) Their Sports Teams - Now this is a love-hate relationship, to say the least. Even the players know, Philadelphians only love them so long as they're winning...lol. According to the latest news segment, out of Philly's 4 sports teams, its been 25 years since any of them have won a title! Lol...no wonder they're fickle...you can only get people's hopes up for so long before they say "screw you!" But, I feel like this sports season might just be Philadelphia's year. The Phillies already won the World Series (and they turned this city out...I mean homeless people and cops were hugging...it was a beautiful thing!), and the Eagles are in line for a shot at the Superbowl...I'm keeping my hopes up!!! :)
2) Doing the Wu-Tang! Whatchyall know about that? Probably nothing... You can't Wu-tang better than me!
1) VIOLENCE!!! lol. These people seem to just love random crime. I remember when I moved here this summer. I believe the official tally was about 1.4 murders a day. Then, I recall the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania employee attacking a man on the subway with a hammer he whipped out of his bookbag (after he sat his 5-yr old boy down, of course). Just recently, a man was shot at a popular movie theater (actually, where I'll be attending church in a few hours...) for talking to his son during The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I think a friend of a friend stated it best: "i love the thought process: 'i want it to be quiet so i can watch the movie. what should i do? i know, i will fire a really loud weapon in a closed space and then listen to the guy i shot scream bloody murder. the logic is flawless!'" Rest assured, the man didn't die, but still...absolutely positively ridiculous. I tell you...I never know what to expect in The City of Brotherly Love!

Bye-bye '08

So, I've been a bit m.i.a. during the end of the semester, but I must say the hard work paid off. You see, I don't mind being a hermit, as long as I reap the rewards...and I did, yay to all A's!!!

Now, it is time for me to sit and reflect on '08 and prepare for '09. Personally, I found 2008 to be a great year. If I had to give it a title, I think I would name it "The Preparatory Year." It was the first year I lived completely on my own - and I survived! I studied for the MCATs and started the year off by killing those :) I applied to the program I am in now and am on the road to obtaining that MD. I am spiritually back on track, which I found has helped all other areas of my life line up. I didn't fall in love or anything along those lines, but in every other area I feel that I am on the right track and am ready to face any challenge - both academically and personally.

Have you ever had that reassuring feeling that you are exactly where God wants you to be at a particular point in your life? Well, that is the feeling I have had most of this year, and I'm claiming that for 2009 as well. I truly feel that I have found my calling in life and I have done everything in my power to get me to where God wants to be; the rest is in His hands. I applied to medical school this year on what some people might call a whim (kind of how I applied to Duke for undergrad...lol, I notice a trend). Technically, it would have been a more stable, predictable process (and more in my favor) if I had waited to complete the program and then applied this upcoming summer. Prompted by what I feel was nudge from God, I applied this year - possibly a year early, while simultaneously a few months late in the application cycle, yet somehow right on time. When God says GO!, who am I to say NO!?!? I do believe that He will shut the doors to institutions He does not want me at and will open the doors where He wants me to be. At this point, it is my job to sit back and have faith that He will keep His promise - which He always does! Talk about a reassuring feeling :)

I am not one for silly, simple resolutions, however I have thought of one that I believe will solidify my segue into adulthood.

...When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things... I Cor. 13:11

So for 2009, I am officially putting all childish things behind me (however, I would like to retain a childlike heart - difficult, I know). Whether that be childish habits, certain slips of the tongue, or even interacting with certain people, they are all now behind me - I leave them all in 2008. I do not want to be so rash as to say If you're not for me, you are against me, however, if you are restraining me or pulling me back towards childish activities and not pushing me forward into maturity and into the destiny I am called for then...BYE-BYE! (and yall know while it is not hard for me to cut people out of my life, inanimate objects tend to be more difficult) I am tired of the monotony of the old. I need either completely new things or things that will cause me to take on new perspectives and that will stretch me to new lengths.

It's funny, I am only 23 years old and I already feel the clock of life aggressively ticking down. I feel the nipping at my heels of the Hurry up and do something big already! I am not really sure if other young people my age feel this way as well, but somehow I doubt it. And in some ways, it puts me in a lonely place. Sometimes I find it an awkward place to be in when my peers are running around enjoying the here and now and I am out with them trying not to zone off and enter the realm where I sit and question how this is preparing me to be a leader or a revolutionary. And I do want to be a revolutionary in the field of medicine. I am not sure how yet, but I do feel a calling to do something BIG in that field - to shake some things up and do something new. But, this is turning into somewhat of a depressing tangent that I am not about to indulge - at least not on this post.

So, to all who might read this, I wish you well. I hope 2008 has blessed you in some way and I pray that 2009 will be at least equally as kind.