Awkward Turtle Locations

Now we all know certain locations are more conducive to awkward turtle moments. It is almost as if these locations amplify the amplitude of awkward vibes in the area, causing them to converge…on you!

#1 – Elevators
Probably the most obvious location, so let’s start here. Possibly the epitome of awkward situation locations, elevators leave you with no where to go, causing you to be literally boxed in with God-knows-who. These tight spaces, especially when packed with people, decrease the people to free space ratio, thus increasing the rate of invasion of personal space, which all lead to elevated awkwardness levels. Prime example: Empty elevator, save you. Elevator stops. You brace yourself for what might lie on the other side of the doors. People fill in, taking away your free air. As more people file in, you are less able to breathe freely. You don’t want to breathe too hard (no one likes breathing down other peoples’ neck), but at times it can be hard to breathe, especially if you’re jammed in their with taller individuals. The breathing scenario alone is awkward, and this doesn’t even include the possible insane conversations that you have inadvertently overhear, and inappropriately chuckle at. [sidenote: the most annoying conversation overheard is the rude person on the cell phone. It is irritating because the loud, annoying person gets reception, but you, however, Do Not!]

#2 - Stop lights
Now, I admit I have a bit of a temper…especially when behind the wheel, so this one may only apply to me. Doesn’t it always seem that right after you cut someone off on the road or have an intense bout of road rage, you wind up neck-and-neck with the car you offended and stuck at the longest red light in the world?!? Then you just sit and wait, trying not to glance over at the guy you offended only moments before, hoping they’re not glaring at you, and hoping even more that its not a really attractive guy behind the wheel...or worse, a cop in an undercover car. And when that light turns green…pedal to the metal and GO! [the icing on the cake is always when the driver of the other car is a co-worker…aaand you’re one block from work…aaaaaand you just look like a complete maniac behind the wheel. This is why I drive extra cautious when I’m in a 5 mile radius of my place of employment] Also, stop lights are the perfect spot for drivers to be harassed in any city, by locals trying to sell anything. In Philly, items of choice seem to be newspapers, bean pies, water, and Gatorade. In other cities, its flowers, ripped CDs, tickets, drugs, or window wiper service. Either way, lock those doors, roll up the windows, and avoid all eye contact!

#3 - Gynecologist exams
Pretty self-explanatory: Trying to make small talk (which, in and of itself has a propensity for awkwardness) with your feet in the stirrups, trying to relax, while a doctor is all up in your most personal space possible…talk about intimate.

#4 - Bathroom stalls
Doesn’t it always seem like whenever you’re talking about something personal/embarrassing/juicy the most unexpected person pops out of the corner stall during that awkward lull in conversation?!? Then, there’s the awkward moment in front of the mirror at the sinks, where the internal debate rages between whether you will a) acknowledge their presence verbally, pretending nothing happened, b) make eye-contact via the mirror and give a nod and maybe a meager “hey”, or c) completely ignore their presence (even if they reach across you to dispense some soap and ask you to pass them a paper towel) and pray under your breath that they leave with toilet paper stuck to the bottom of their shoe…or maybe that’s just me…?!?

#5 - Packed Subway
Kinda like the elevator, but being in a much larger venue, it allows for an increased range of awkward experiences. Much like the elevator, where you can be trapped with any looney (both in empty and cramped spaces), the subway does afford you the option of switching cars…but, 1) you never know what waits in the other car and 2) that door goes both ways – crazies can be let in too. I’d say the types of people encountered on subways are relatively constant across regional and national boarders. Common awkward individuals encountered include The Crackhead (don’t know what they’re saying, but you know they’re talking to you), Homeless (asking for money, might be carrying every possession they own, probably look dingy and are smelly), and there’s Smelly (the unidentifiable, sometimes identifiable, stinky individual that you pray doesn’t wind up with their armpit in your face). I don’t even know what else to say about the subway…we have a love/hate relationship.

# 6 - Silence
I don’t know how to classify this, but in my opinion, most places where there is complete and utter silence, there is an extremely high potential for the situation to spontaneously become overwhelmingly awkward. You know you’re just sitting there in silence, waiting for something awkward to happen – a cell phone ring, a random outcry, even a streaker. Then, when the random interruption does occur, you’re left debating how to respond. Instinctively, I most likely erupt with laughter, and if I have any sense left in me, I attempt (usually futilely) to stifle my giggles. And, we’re all familiar with the silent, awkward moment where you know you dare not look around, because if you do, there’s a 99.99995% chance your eyes will meet with the one person who will cause you to burst out into inappropriate laughter, drawing all negative attention to you.

While not every awkward scenario can be prevented, there are two measures that can be taken to greatly reduce the likelihood of said awkward situations involving you, even if you are caught in one of the aforementioned locations.
1st: Throw on those hata blockas! 9 times out of 10, no eye contact = no personal contact. I swear, when that crackhead makes eye contact, they sense vulnerability and pounce on you like a shark on chum. As an added bonus, as long as they're dark enough, you can oogle anything or anyone you please with people being none the wiser :)
2nd: iPod/mp3 player/cell phone. To be quite honest, most of the time a simple pair of headphones will suffice. The appearance of being unable to hear reduces the likelihood of being approached (note reduces, not eliminates). The unattached headphones fail when something utterly ridiculous occurs, resulting in overwhelming fits of laughter.

Alright…enough of being silly…time for beauty rest. Later…