Awkward Turtle Locations

Now we all know certain locations are more conducive to awkward turtle moments. It is almost as if these locations amplify the amplitude of awkward vibes in the area, causing them to converge…on you!

#1 – Elevators
Probably the most obvious location, so let’s start here. Possibly the epitome of awkward situation locations, elevators leave you with no where to go, causing you to be literally boxed in with God-knows-who. These tight spaces, especially when packed with people, decrease the people to free space ratio, thus increasing the rate of invasion of personal space, which all lead to elevated awkwardness levels. Prime example: Empty elevator, save you. Elevator stops. You brace yourself for what might lie on the other side of the doors. People fill in, taking away your free air. As more people file in, you are less able to breathe freely. You don’t want to breathe too hard (no one likes breathing down other peoples’ neck), but at times it can be hard to breathe, especially if you’re jammed in their with taller individuals. The breathing scenario alone is awkward, and this doesn’t even include the possible insane conversations that you have inadvertently overhear, and inappropriately chuckle at. [sidenote: the most annoying conversation overheard is the rude person on the cell phone. It is irritating because the loud, annoying person gets reception, but you, however, Do Not!]

#2 - Stop lights
Now, I admit I have a bit of a temper…especially when behind the wheel, so this one may only apply to me. Doesn’t it always seem that right after you cut someone off on the road or have an intense bout of road rage, you wind up neck-and-neck with the car you offended and stuck at the longest red light in the world?!? Then you just sit and wait, trying not to glance over at the guy you offended only moments before, hoping they’re not glaring at you, and hoping even more that its not a really attractive guy behind the wheel...or worse, a cop in an undercover car. And when that light turns green…pedal to the metal and GO! [the icing on the cake is always when the driver of the other car is a co-worker…aaand you’re one block from work…aaaaaand you just look like a complete maniac behind the wheel. This is why I drive extra cautious when I’m in a 5 mile radius of my place of employment] Also, stop lights are the perfect spot for drivers to be harassed in any city, by locals trying to sell anything. In Philly, items of choice seem to be newspapers, bean pies, water, and Gatorade. In other cities, its flowers, ripped CDs, tickets, drugs, or window wiper service. Either way, lock those doors, roll up the windows, and avoid all eye contact!

#3 - Gynecologist exams
Pretty self-explanatory: Trying to make small talk (which, in and of itself has a propensity for awkwardness) with your feet in the stirrups, trying to relax, while a doctor is all up in your most personal space possible…talk about intimate.

#4 - Bathroom stalls
Doesn’t it always seem like whenever you’re talking about something personal/embarrassing/juicy the most unexpected person pops out of the corner stall during that awkward lull in conversation?!? Then, there’s the awkward moment in front of the mirror at the sinks, where the internal debate rages between whether you will a) acknowledge their presence verbally, pretending nothing happened, b) make eye-contact via the mirror and give a nod and maybe a meager “hey”, or c) completely ignore their presence (even if they reach across you to dispense some soap and ask you to pass them a paper towel) and pray under your breath that they leave with toilet paper stuck to the bottom of their shoe…or maybe that’s just me…?!?

#5 - Packed Subway
Kinda like the elevator, but being in a much larger venue, it allows for an increased range of awkward experiences. Much like the elevator, where you can be trapped with any looney (both in empty and cramped spaces), the subway does afford you the option of switching cars…but, 1) you never know what waits in the other car and 2) that door goes both ways – crazies can be let in too. I’d say the types of people encountered on subways are relatively constant across regional and national boarders. Common awkward individuals encountered include The Crackhead (don’t know what they’re saying, but you know they’re talking to you), Homeless (asking for money, might be carrying every possession they own, probably look dingy and are smelly), and there’s Smelly (the unidentifiable, sometimes identifiable, stinky individual that you pray doesn’t wind up with their armpit in your face). I don’t even know what else to say about the subway…we have a love/hate relationship.

# 6 - Silence
I don’t know how to classify this, but in my opinion, most places where there is complete and utter silence, there is an extremely high potential for the situation to spontaneously become overwhelmingly awkward. You know you’re just sitting there in silence, waiting for something awkward to happen – a cell phone ring, a random outcry, even a streaker. Then, when the random interruption does occur, you’re left debating how to respond. Instinctively, I most likely erupt with laughter, and if I have any sense left in me, I attempt (usually futilely) to stifle my giggles. And, we’re all familiar with the silent, awkward moment where you know you dare not look around, because if you do, there’s a 99.99995% chance your eyes will meet with the one person who will cause you to burst out into inappropriate laughter, drawing all negative attention to you.

While not every awkward scenario can be prevented, there are two measures that can be taken to greatly reduce the likelihood of said awkward situations involving you, even if you are caught in one of the aforementioned locations.
1st: Throw on those hata blockas! 9 times out of 10, no eye contact = no personal contact. I swear, when that crackhead makes eye contact, they sense vulnerability and pounce on you like a shark on chum. As an added bonus, as long as they're dark enough, you can oogle anything or anyone you please with people being none the wiser :)
2nd: iPod/mp3 player/cell phone. To be quite honest, most of the time a simple pair of headphones will suffice. The appearance of being unable to hear reduces the likelihood of being approached (note reduces, not eliminates). The unattached headphones fail when something utterly ridiculous occurs, resulting in overwhelming fits of laughter.

Alright…enough of being silly…time for beauty rest. Later…

Viruses

So, besides this being finals week, my computer decides to go ahead and be weak, and allow umpteen viruses to infect my computer. To summarize my frustrations... 1) every other time I turn on my computer, it automatically shuts off in 30 seconds, 2) the virus(es) prevent me from accessing certain websites, especially those that discuss how to delete these viruses and improve your computer safety, 3) they restrict me from installing the necessary Windows updates that include patches to block them, 4) apparently, they are compromising my online security, 5) they frequently cause my laptop to freeze and make odd noises...really, the list could continue.

I was talking to a friend about my troubles, and instead of being sympathetic she laughed in my face and said there aren't any known viruses for Mac pcs, which got me thinking...How is that possible? Granted, I doubt there are any viruses for Linux, but then again, who uses that? Mac, on the other hand, is pretty popular, why not harass those users too?

Want my opinion on the matter? Either Mac is secretly hiring these computer hackers to devise obnoxious viruses specifically targeting the Bill Gates empire (which is my bet) or Mac pcs are so tightly structured, its taking hackers a looooong time to devise a plan, however, once they do, I believe it will devastate the entire Mac community. Maybe Mr. Gates isn't a good boss, and all his disgruntled employees spend their free time making these pests to target the holes they know are in the system. Eh, either way...my next laptop, if it is my choice, will be a Mac. Go Apple!

And R.I.P. Isaac Hayes

Wow, what a sad weekend. First, Bernie Mac, now Mr. Sexy himself, Isaac Hayes (you know you his deep, baritone voice too...don't front). At the age of 65, Hayes' wife found his body lying beside their treadmill in Memphis. Arguably, Hayes is best known (at least by the older population) for the music he created for the Shaft soundtrack. While many of us were probably too young to have ever seen the movie, thanks to Will Smith's Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, I'm sure we're all familiar with the beat, the episode, and Will's infatuation with Shaft (Shaft...can you dig it?...yup, that was Isaac Hayes, who also played the groovy minister in Las Vegas). And though I am by no means an avid fan, I have watched enough episodes of South Park to recognize Hayes lending his voice to the Black chef (I think the character's name was Chef?). Eh, I'm not a fan of the show, but he sure did make that character memorable.

Besides his sexy voice, Hayes' is well known for his genius behind the scenes. Let's see, he won an Emmy, a Golden Globe and three Grammies (2 of which were for his musical creation for Shaft). He was even nominated for an NAACP Image Award just a few years ago for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series (really though, NAACP?!? You all condone that show...but, I digress). Truly a talented man, no where near the end of his prime. It is a shame he is gone, but his legacy lives on forever. Much love to the Hayes family.

R.I.P. Bernie Mac

Bernard Jeffrey McCullough died yesterday morning, at the age of 50, from complications due to pneumonia. Like many others in the Philly area, I found out as I was driving to Target to run my Saturday errands. Boyz II Men's It's so hard to say Goodbye to Yesterday had just finished playing, when the radio host announced that he had massed earlier this morning. What an odd way to go out - pneumonia complications. I know that, especially in America, we tend to take for granted medical advances that have helped mankind overcome diseases we now consider almost trivial. I mean, how many people do you hear of dying from pneumonia? or strep throat? Thank God for the variety of antibiotics, as well as basic and advanced medical procedures that have helped increase life expectancy rates. However, this loss of such a talented, and relatively younger, life serves as a reminder. A reminder of how fragile life is, of how tomorrow is not guaranteed.

So, here's to the late Bernie Mac. An Original King of Comedy, whom many of us grew up with on television through his show, The Bernie Mac Show (which I still watch in syndication). And to memorable roles such as Bosley and Frank Catton in the Charlie's Angels and Ocean's Eleven remakes. Despite any recent negative publicity Mac might have created in the Obama campaign (which was simply a matter of poor taste for the occasion), all remember him as an upstanding male role model in the Black community. A great comic and a lovable guy, Bernie Mac will always be remembered.

HIV/AIDS…More of a Black Issue than you Thought

As I am studying for my BioChemistry and Cell Biology Exam, I stumbled across an interesting sidenote in some extra reading I was doing (yes, I do extra reading…yes, I’m a nerd…I embrace it). I will attempt to summarize the findings as simply as possible, so bear with me.

Roughly 900 years ago, the Black Plague hit Europe, killing roughly 1/3 of its population. Most who survived The Plague survived due to an advantageous mutation in their alleles of the gene producing CCR-5. What is CCR-5? CCR-5 is the name of part of a macrophage, which are the part of our body’s immune system that eats invading viruses and bacteria.

Normally, exposure to HIV results in the CCR-5 producing macrophage to be “hijacked” by the virus and used against the host to propagate infection. However, in its mutated form, CCR-5 is strong enough to basically beast the virus and devour it. In other words, if one is homozygous for this mutant allele (i.e. carry two copies of the mutated gene), they are immune to HIV/AIDS. Those heterozygous for it (i.e. carry only one copy of the mutated gene) still have some protection from the virus. But, those that have no copies for the mutation are fully susceptible to HIV infection.

It appears as though the mutated form of this allele originated in the general area of Sweden, and extended to most of North Western Europe. This mutation seems to have occurred well before The Plague hit, meaning that when it swept through Europe, it more or less eliminated those without the defect, leaving a large percentage of the population carrying those mutated alleles.

Through gene editing, scientists are working on a way to confer this immunity to everyone. Now, don’t get your hopes up too quickly. As you may or may not know, there is much we still don’t know about gene interactions, and it is more or less and trail-and-error method being used…meaning, the solution could come tomorrow or in 10 years, but it does seem that it is out there.

Surprised? I know I still am. But, wait…it doesn’t stop here...

Not only do many White people have a mutation that gives them an advantage, but Blacks have one that gives them a disadvantage. I kid you not (you know, at times like these, it feels like sometimes you just can’t win). The mutation originally was beneficial, as it kept Africans immune to malaria. However, it now renders people of African descent 40% more likely to catch HIV. Apparently, the mutation’s benefit is that it slows progression of HIV, giving the infected individual a whole 2 years more of life…whoopty-doo, two more years to a shortened, disease-ridden life. Roughly 90% of Africans and 60% of African Americans carry the mutation...those are some high percentages.

Makes you rethink some things, right? Like…how heavily are all the HIV/AIDS statistics influenced by these findings? Are Blacks and Whites engaging in the same potentially dangerous behaviors at the same rates, but these mitigating factors are drastically skewing the results? Or even worse, are Whites participating in riskier sexual behavior (as has been suggested in the gay community), but just aren't reaping the consequences? Clearly, we can't just ignore the social factors that contribute to the statistics (such a poverty, inadequate health care, etc), however, certainly genetics play a major role. But what can you do? This genetic information is just more of a reason the Black community needs to practice safe sex or abstinence. Until this immunity to HIV is developed, all I can say is WRAP IT UP!

My Laugh of the Day

Since it is finals week, I will keep this post short. So, I was studying in the bookstore today (the campus bookstore is huge, and includes a full-sized Barnes & Noble, so there is plenty of reading space). Anywho, I enjoy studying in public places with plenty of white noise in the background (as I tend to recite aloud and/or make odd noises while I study…don’t ask, it just helps me concentrate and remember things). But, there was one conversation today that I just could not tune out. So, this white woman plops down at the table behind me (now, normally I wouldn’t pay any mind to the people around me, but she took 10 minutes to get settled and was making unnecessary noises the whole time). About an hour after she sat down a store worker walked by. I kid you not, she snapped at him as if he was her waiter, “Hey you!” (whistle and snaps)…the nerve of some people! (Everyone in the area turned their heads) She then proceeded to ask him a series of arbitrary questions about books scattered throughout the two-story building (not even in his section). Here comes the kicker: she then asked what was the deal with putting all of those Barack books on display in front of the Starbuck’s area. Now, this guy (bless his heart) is an über hippie young white guy. Their conversation proceeded something like this…

Woman: What’s the deal with all those Barack books on display over there?
Dude: Um…we’re a bookstore? We put books on display? (clearly confused)
Woman: I mean, I don’t see any McCain books displayed…
Dude: …
Woman: On a campus of an institution such as this, I would expect neutrality, in regards to politics. What sort of an agenda are you trying to push anyway?!?
Dude: I believe the Obama books are on display because they’re on sale…
Woman: Well, why aren’t McCain’s books on sale??
Dude: I think its just because Obama’s books are really popular. We keep selling out–
Woman: - yeah yeah yeah. But you all should be promoting McCain as much as you do Obama. You are not here to push your own agenda!
Dude: Uh, I really just think its because we’re a bookstore and his books are very popular...

Now, this dialogue proceeded as such for the next 10 minutes or so, with them each repeating the same 1-2 sentences. You do not even know…your girl nearly fell out! Maybe it was because I had been studying for entirely too long, but I found this interaction hysterical! I’m pretty certain this young man had nothing to even do with that section of the store. When asked about McCain’s books, I don’t think he was even certain McCain had written a book, let alone where to find them in the store if they did exist. Beyond looking utterly confused, I think he thought (as did the rest of us) that this woman had just lost her mind. And, hey…why couldn’t she get it through her thick skull the simplicity of the matter: if you want McCain’s books on display, they need to be popular (especially among college students, as this is a college campus…take your middle-aged self to the burbs)…and, if you want his books to sell, you need McCain to be personable and interesting…none of which he is to me. Actually, the more I watch him, the more socially awkward he appears. Did anyone catch him with the Dalai Lama?!? I think all those botox injections are starting to spread through McCain’s whole being…talk about a walking stiff!!! Lol… But, why does McCain look like he's using the Dalai Lama as a cane?!? Even if he is 72, that is still inappropriate!! (sidenote: the Dalai Lama is only 1 year older than McCain) Lololol...ok, let me stop…

Disney goes Black

The Princess and the Frog.

In case you haven't heard, Disney's 48th animated film, The Princess and the Frog (an adaptation of the classic Grimm's fairy tale, The Frog Princess) is Disney's first African American animated film. All I can say is, "it is about time!"....we all know The Lion King just wasn't cutting it. Directed by the people that brought us Aladdin, Hercules, and The Little Mermaid, I'm excited to hear the musical score. The central character in the film, Princess Tiana, will be voiced by Anika Noni Rose (you might remember her from a little film called Dreamgirls) and her mother will be brought to life by none other than Angela Bassett...yay! To top it off, the film is set in 1920's New Orleans jazz era in the Garden District of the French Quarters. I'm excited!!!

However, let's rewind for a moment.

Princess Tiana was originally Maddy the chambermaid, but thanks to protests, the name was changed and she was made a princess. Ummm...is anyone else confused?!? I'd really like to know how these Disney creators planned on telling the classic tale of The Frog Princess using a chambermaid...a black chambermaid that starts out working for a spoiled, rich, white Southern debutante named Charlotte, nonetheless...really though?!? I know Disney has a history of racial insensitivity (if not downright racism and stereotypical views of all things not white), but come, come now...it is 2008 (or 2009 when the film is set for release).

And, as a good friend told me on AIM, "[D]isney never fails to coon someone out!!!...having that bug looking like someone's crack head uncle!" That "bug" would be Ray, the lovesick Cajun firefly...but, he is nearly Disney's first cooned-out, stereotyped animated character (random insert: Princess Tiana's derriere is HUGE...). Let's see...there was Sebastian, everyone's favorite lil' Jamaican crab in The Little Mermaid and his other fish buddies (including the 'blackfish'). How can we forget the lovable, lazy, jobless crows from Dumbo, as well as King Louie from The Jungle Book??? Yeah, since the beginning, Disney has had a way of covertly and overtly suggesting the inferiority of Blacks. If my brief list has interested you, I suggest you take a look at Ben Joseph's extended list. And do you know what's nearly at the top of the list? A: Song of the South.

I kid you not, I don't even remember watching this movie as a child, but, like many others, I vividly recall its hit song Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah. To summarize the movie, it is about an old black man happily working on a plantation post-Civil War South (actually, having watched this I agree with the statement that this movie depicts life as a Black on a plantation through the vantage point of an acid-trip). As Mr. Joseph so cleverly put it,

"It's as if someone made a children's musical about Jews in post-World War II Germany that had a number titled 'Hey! Nothing Bad Has Happened to Us, Ever.'"

Anyways, how does this tie in to The Princess and the Frog? Its rather simple (and sad). The Song of the South has yet to be released on home video...keyword: yet. Disney's apparently considering re-releasing it on home DVD (after a few modifications, I'm sure) and they want to put a preview of The Princess and the Frog on the DVD. As I say...there is always a motive. Now, why would Disney do this? The answer's simple. When people protest and raise objections against the Song of the South (which, you know they will), Disney can turn to The Princess and the Frog and say that this is the "new" Disney that doesn't use narrow-minded, stereotypical views to depict Blacks. Will this work? Probably not. As previously mentioned, The Princess and the Frog has already created its own controversy about portraying stereotypical images of blacks...in order for this trick of Disney's to work, it needed to be above reproach. I hear Disney might try this Song of the South release this upcoming winter...time will tell.

Eh, either way, this Black chick is excited for the release of The Princess and the Frog next year. And, I'm hoping that since the film is currently in production, extensive editing and revisions will make it a true masterpiece. It is about time that Black children have Disney characters they can identify with other than Simba, Sebastian, King Louie, and the three backup singers in Hercules! Yay!!! However, if that frog turns out to be a White Prince...oh, boy...Disney better brace itself for that backlash!

Barack's Prayer

I was watching The View the other day, and was aghast to discover that someone had removed Sen. Barack Obama’s prayer from the Western Wall. Let’s review the history of The Wall briefly. More commonly referred to as the Wailing Wall, the actual site dates all the way back to 19 BC, supposedly built by King David himself. While The Wall stretches down and around Israel, 60 feet of it is dedicated to prayers. God has promised that The Wall would never be destroyed, and to this day it still stands. According to the sages, when one prays at The Wall “it is as if he has prayed before the throne of glory because the gate of heaven is situated there and it is open to hear prayer.” Dating back to 1743, people have placed their people place their prayers on slips of papers and insert them into The Wall, where they are said to directly ascend into heaven. Millions have come to The Wall over the centuries, including religious pilgrims and foreign heads of states.

But, Obama’s visit was different. Visiting The Wall on July 24^th, wrote a prayer note and placed it in the wall, just as millions before him had done. Now normally, prayers are removed twice a year and placed in a repository of religious items, where it is guarded so human eyes never behold the messages. However, unlike previous visitors, his note was subsequently removed from The Wall and read by none other than a group of Jewish seminary students. And then, it was published by an Israeli newspaper. This series of unethical events is despicable, although the message of the note was, in my opinion, humbly beautiful.

I have hesitation quoting the note, but since it is published and Google-able, I’ll save you the trouble of searching for it. The alleged note (as it is unconfirmed that it is Sen. Obama’s) reads,

“Lord — Protect my family and me. Forgive me my sins, and help me guard against pride and despair. Give me the wisdom to do what is right and just. And make me an instrument of your will.”

Simply beautiful.

Now, for the ugliness of the situation - this sacrilegious action against the holiest site in Judaism, by a group of Jewish seminarians…and, as a joke. Of all people, these boys should have reverence for this holy site. According to Jonathan Rosenblum, an esteemed Jewish Orthodox, "Anybody who goes to the Western Wall and places a note there does so under the assumption that it's a private communication between him and God, and therefore once he has that presumption of confidentiality, there are rabbinic decrees against reading anybody else's private communications." To me, what this group did is beyond comprehension.

Personally, I feel that they should be booted out of the seminary. If they cannot be trusted in this simple matter, of which they had no business even involving themselves, how on earth are they to be trusted as rabbis with the confidentiality they are supposed to guarantee in such a role. According to CNN, after placing his prayer in The Wall, reporters asked Obama what he wrote. He declined to share his prayer and told them that it was a private conversation between him and God. While some are simple enough to debate whether this act of desecration inhibited Obama’s prayer from reaching God, I know for a fact that since God knows all, sees all, created all, He knows Obama’s intentions, his heart, and what he wrote on that piece of paper, even if it was removed from The Wall.

I do pray for Obama, his family, and their safety. It is a rough position to be in as anybody running for a political office, let alone running for President of the United States, let alone as the first Black man who truly has a shot at winning. Your entire past under scrutiny, every move you make, and every thing you say and do recorded and analyzed by people who are just sitting around, waiting for you to slip up and show that you are in fact human. Personally, I would crack…talk about being under a magnifying lens…I would fry! But, Sen. Obama appears to be holding his own, standing strong, and praying guidance. When something as private and off-limits as a prayer makes its way to front-page headlines, all that is left to do is pray.

Was July Black Appreciation Month and No One told Me?!? (Part III)

A month in review
CNN Presents: Black in America.

The three segments featured were The Black Woman & Family, The Black Man, and King Assassination. While I appreciate the Special Report and the manner in which Soledad O’Brien went about presenting the segments, I must say, nothing in the reports was new information to me. I suppose some of the information came as a surprise to some people, I was just not one of those individuals. I am not sure what I was expecting to see when I clicked on the tube, but it certainly was not Black People 101. I felt like the miniseries was the equivalent of taking an introductory course to a foreign culture, except that I am native, making it all redundant. Nothing new or profound was presented in the series. As bad as it might sound, I did not even want to watch after the first episode. It seemed like a waste of time to sit and watch a long documentary/discussion that was presenting old information. (I did stop watching after the second segment, sorry Dr. King) As much as I wanted to support the special series by giving them my ratings, I had studying to do – would hate to become a statistic of unfulfilled potential.

I sincerely appreciate the effort put forth by CNN and Ms O’Brien to even undertake such an initiative. It is not an easy task, and for a first shot at it, it was not too bad. I think the only surprising part of the documentary was that the overly verbose Reverend Dr. Michael Eric Dyson has a younger brother in jail for life (the situation in and of itself is not surprising, I just did not know Dyson was in that situation). And Soledad…talk about a no-holds-bar approach… [Soledad to Dyson’s brother] “So basically you helped destroy and corrupt the community you brother was working so hard to build up. How does that make you feel?” A little rough there Soledad, don’t you think? But, she did keep it real and avoided beating around the bush, which I appreciate. And I did chuckle when my man Dr. Cornel West began talking about the genius of the fool that is Lil’ Wayne. That discussion was, in my words, priceless! lol

My friend wrote a blog about this same issue. Check it out. He has much more to say about the subject than me. I think the word I would use to describe CNN's documentary is underwhelming. Nope, I'm not even sure that is a word, but I do feel that it is highly applicable in this situation. Actually, in my review, we are 2 for 3 for underwhelming appreciation of Black America (CNN and ah-hem AMA apology ::cough cough::), with Vogue Italia as the outlier (thank you, Vogue Italia!)...Ummmm...Do better, America.